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(no subject) [Jan. 10th, 2005|05:02 am]
[mood |drunkdrunk]
[music |infomercials]

so livejournal i havent seen you in a while.... its very strange to type in this, but tonight i had this undeniable urge. it brings back so many memories from my life, bullshit and now. the whole concept is kind of lost to me, it seems to egocentric. "im going to type my thoughts now onto paper and then have millions of people read them". tonight though i think i understand. if i was to pick up my "dead"jounral (meaning the paper bound one) it would be dead. no one but me would ever read it. i write now not caring that people are reading this but the fact that im putting my thoughts, emtiontions and life down on paper and its out there. its an expression of my self. on that id like to say that im going to ramble now. i have alot of thoughts up in my head that are dying to be put down on paper so that they can be organized and be ideas rather than just randomly blinking electric actions inside of my head. if you feel like reading, by all means, and if you dont i dont care becuase im going to bable for me, feedback is a surprise, like a happy feelings that someone found my journal and felt like telling me instead of using it against me like in every sitcom senero.

"all i know is i know nothing at all" descarte

im going to build some blocks... we as people are animals. we came from another species, apes as science tells us. we can see the similarities and millions of years ago an ape started to walk upright and everything changed. the difference between us and animals is our sense of consiousness. we know that we exsisit and that we are the top of the food chain. we know that there is a SYSTEM that we live in and we can see it. animals live in a system, its a communitiy (not all of them granted, but the further along in evolution i believe you look the more group oriented societies of animals you can see). so theres a commmunity. like the lion king. even just the lions, there was a king and then people who lived under him in which he had control. humans when they werent conscious must have lived something like this. the cavemen persumably were the gray area where there was consciousness and still this group not understanding there being a world out side of there BUBBLE. so now we have had one bubble that has multiplied. the population of humans has gotten enormaously big. theres no way to control all of the people in the same community. many communities have come up. many countries.

let me preface this. africa is where they think that all life started. so now theres tribes of cavement living in africa and they are going to reproduce. being the strongest speices are going to multiply with no problem. soon some of them are going to leave the tribe becuase of differences. (diffenent mindsets) then they are going to start tribe and so on and so on. africa used to be the dominate continent where everyhthing came and went out of. they ruled the globe i guess. (what are they now, AIDS and colonized... raped and pillaged). people migrated, mutated and gained whiter skin, or more tan skin like in the far east. the process kept on going. europe picked up on how the ropes worked and took over the "dominate" for lack of a better word. then they go on to create the roman, french, german, english even american empires. empire is just a big word for community. the king is ruling over its people. all the people believe in the same thing. like the people in the tribes way back believed in the well being of the tribe, who knows. now we have to believe in a system. wheater it be a gov't like communisim or democracy, or a religion and have the people sent from a higher power to tell you how to live like with the thoracies. there all ways to keep people in check. pawns to the highest power.

we are pawns in side of a system as americans. we really dont have full free will. we only can do as much as the system says we can. america is just an ideal that we are believing. just like facism with hitler to look extremely recently. only a few years ago on the greater sense of things hitler was using the media, his great personality and an idea that they were the best, most powerful nation, which didnt have to awnser to know one. they attempted to take over the world. (on a side note how did they get alot of the majority behind them, get them against the minority, the jews, how is bush trying tog get the majority behind them, get them agasint the minorty, the gays) the system is the same, its top down, one power over another, one power with its properety, its pawns to control. every govt is the same, the people can only LIVE in side the system.

no yes, we can take down the system, wish for a differenet one, and all those things could come up its going to take a while. what most people do is try to find a peace of mind inside. theres two paths i think. feed into the system or epress your self.

if you feed into the system, try to being a bussiness man and mass a large wealth, feed into the materialim that capitalism is brain washing you with. (so many ISMS catagorizing nonsense), your trying to get to the top. well what is the top. its the bush administration, and the corporations in our siystem. is the pope, its louis the 14th, its julius ceasar. its one of the chinesse dynasties. these are all people who controled a mass. they all could do what ever the fuck they wanted. they didnt have to abide by the laws that they were using to contorl. there was no higher being then them. in a sense they had FREE WILL. we as pawns do not. there are things you cant do becuase youll get "caught". we dont have free will. we can choose what do in the system but there are many limits.

the other way to live is to express your self. do something that makes you happy. do something were you take you consciousness or your VOICE and let it be heard. write, sing, dance, edit a newspaper even, ANYTHING were you mind is being expressed. in this world of your mind you are free. imagination!. you have the freedom to have a say unlike insdie of the system with the limits. (theres gray with all of this of course, people can get rich expressing them selves).

so people are living the system, there trying to find happiness and be an individual. the one thing that they are forgetting is there roots when they run head long into the system. everyone comes from a family, and way far back we all started off with a peaceful community of cavemen. theres in us a natural tendancy to be part of a group. this may not be true but i look back at our past and it seems to be. the family is one of the most important things. if you want to express your self you have to have roots to push off from. with out knowing how to act with LOVED ones you cant act with strangers. you cant learn to love. with love you can fly and be happy and be an indivdual.

people are all looking for happiness in the system (i know ive said that) they are looking for security. most just find that spot and stick with it. find there niche, there bubble and work it. look at every house in the main line. look at every house every where. look at the inner city were there hungry for that security, hungry to get out of there standard of living. hungry to not have the system pushing down on them constantly. they end up breaking the rules and try to prople them selves out of it. listen to the second verse of Jay Z "moment of clarity" he says it in there. (what a refrance haha) the have to work to system alot more to survive. me as a middle class white boy, i get alot of system handed to me, i have alot of the steps already made for me. my jumping block is ready. i could just jump and find my niche and live, and find complete happiness. i could just express my self from my family that has found its oasis inside of the system. why fight it. why try break down the top down that has always been there. i will always be there? i could be happy with ignorance.

america is amazing, its so many cultures working inside of one system, we got them all together, all the rejects of the homogenious societies and put them on our soil. ive already sort of gone over the hypocracy of america. how were living under this ideal of democracy to control us but really its just facism, absolutism... another ism to give you peace of mind. we are all different is the point. if every one was one race/creed/mind set, we could live under one type of govt and be peaceful. but thats not happening any time soon. theres going to be these waring ideas for a while. why war though, why say that there way of controling people is better (well i guess there is the one good reason when you a capitalism imprialist globalizing coutry.. $$$$$$$) we should just leave each other alone. people in america are beging and i say that very lightly, begining to under stand how to coinside. color is losing is importance, a few generations that might, might.. not be an issue as much. we should look at diffenrt types of govt as just different, not better not worse just different and let them be. we need to stop fucking with the rest of the world and let them work there way up by them selves up to our standard of living in stead of abusing them (as property). with all this staring me in the face, the idea of finding my oasis inside this system seems so much easier.

what the fuck is the deal with globalization. i understand its inevitable. its also a creation of man and all creations of us are part of evolution so thats where were going. but were destroying were we live. look at invasive speices, we take a speices thats used to living one place and doesnt hurt the environment and hten stick it someplace use becuase of our global sweeping hand and it destroys the ecosystem and hurts its surroundings. how is that living species differnet from us creating roads and houses and what not all over the world. we are taking things that are not natural to that area and destroying the surroudnings.

there is an A and a B i guess. a start and an end. we can get to that B quick or slow. there might not even be a B if we do it right. right now were rushing there. one top ten percent is controling the world in a sense. deciding the actions of the system with there free will. we cant stop it, and we dont want to, its part of evolution, survivial of the fittest. we always have to keep evolving to be better. but now that were conscious, consious of the community, the family, and the other people around us and there happiness. cant we work together to get to the next step, cant we see the differences in people and work twoard evolution together instead of selfishly reserving the path that we take to the few. this also is too idealistic.

the dinosaurs died off remember, they ruled the earth and their "empire" of sorts collapsed. our rushing to be better could do the same thing. we are conscous of all this, we can slow down and go slow take our time and not make mistakes, become the utopia of organisms who knows. what is heaven?
what is heaven but the utopia of people living together. heaven isnt after death, its after alot of peoples death, heaven is on earth if we realize our animalistc insticts and are conscious of them. we work to B together and get ther and THAT is utopia, is heaven. hell, thats just living you life and having regrets with your last thoughts. seeing that you were just a pawn for 81 or so years.

with all this i leave one thing out. LOVE. its just a social creation in my opinion. but im going to live in the system, im not going to go against it. happiness is there inside my oasis. to get that i need that family, i need that community of people that i love and that i have now. i dont really want to go into love though. elton john had that song that siad "i want love but its impossible", i dont think he was thinking with me, but it is impossible, its just us giving a reason to why we are sexually sttracted to someone and also that they are part of our same wave lenght or mind set. they understand me and know what im thinking, they arnt my family which loved me from the beginign, there a stranger who loves me for me, they can lean on me and i can lean on them and we can work through this. every inch of this person fits into me like a puzzle piece. they are going to be with me inside of the system and with her as the center peice (in a way) i can create my oasis. with her i forget about life, i think you love. so i guess love is life, an escape, a nessicary escap for the consious mind. with love you can have the support to speak your voice.

on a final note id like to mention string theory. look into it becuase i dont really understand, but supposedly to some physists we live in a 3D world. but really there are 11 demensions. so i could reach out and touch something 3 inches from me but really im only millimimeters from another whole galaxy. idont know how to explain it but the whole idea really drawfs your individuality. ignorance is bliss. find your oasis and express your self. the buschen in astrailia are seperated entirely from society and there level of happienss is the same as yours, there human too. there system is all about the well fair of the group and of you together, just like the communities way back, just like we could hypotheticaly do with the entiere world populations. it wont happen though, so find that oasis and be that indivdual, find that love and find that free will that you can only have by speaking you voice.

ok its all out, i didnt mean to come of self rightous, just felt that i had to get the tip of the icebreg out of my head so i could think agsin. if this all came as niave, tell me or slap me both are fine. im gong to go to sleep and hopefully dream. goodnight.
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authors [Apr. 12th, 2004|02:43 am]
[mood |complacentcomplacent]
[music |sufjan stevens - michigan]

very many authors use 'initial' names. like e.e. cummings, and d. h. lawerence, and j. k. rowling, and w. e. b. griffen, or t. s. elliot. the list goes on, but am i right when i say that you dont see that used in other art or entertainment. its the author thing to do i guess... or maybe its becuase authors names get printed, and if you have an ugly one you dont want that imortalized on paper that any one could see just by picking up. i would say change your name all together but thats a whole process, they just used there initials and presto you go a sharp intelligant (not ugly) name.
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a great night after an emotinal week [Feb. 22nd, 2004|05:07 am]
[mood |drunkdrunk]

its 5 in the morning and im almost in tears becuase i remembered that looney toons play all sunday early morning. i had that perfect relaxing with alittle bit of action i was looking for. for now i feel happy and complete.
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eh [Feb. 19th, 2004|01:22 pm]
[mood |tiredtired]

i almost felt like updating today
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"abra abra cadabra" [Dec. 29th, 2003|01:32 am]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |a park ranger talking to a tour group about gettysburg]

"i wanna reach out and grab ya"..... its 1 30, and im taking break from a movie. its one of those "dont you know what your doing please stop". it got to intense, ill finsih it in about 15 mintues. owning mahonney is very good though, i took a very percise trip to blockbuster about three hours ago and got it. i dont know why i felt it as "percise" i think it was becuase of the money exchange at the end, there was very few words with the clerk"ess" and all the hand movements were very "right angled". also when i got on the door i for some reason stood at the curb, looked at the reciets, folded them and placed them in the trash can. now im happy.
i love the silence of alone. i like clock after i say my forst word of the day after waking up. its the best when its a large amount of time. i think the same can be applied to this trip to blockbuster. i didnt look at the time though this time, it was more of an observation. i hadnt spoken in a while and i was in the store and walking around and one of the clerks asked how i was doing and if i needed any help and in all honesty i thought she was talking a different language, she wasnt speaking "silence". so i stumpled out a hello, good, and no.
ive been inside for a long time. im not being lazy, today was a beuatus day, or at least i think it was becuase i saw the wheater channel and veiw out of my window. its been i think three days of sickness in bed and what not, still not sick of tv, although ive never done a strech this long i think. its starting to make sense, like that guy in that movie PCU who watches tv all the time looking for that one thing and then he finds it, im starting to really figure out tv (your thinking to your self what is there to figure out, watch for 72 hours and youll understand)
i like watching speedvision. i think its becuase on the commercials for the channel they alway advertise one of there programs like "watch nascar this sunday" and then they end the blip with "exclusivly on speed". they dont call it speedvision, or speed channel, they call it speed.(which im not on)
ive figured out that i enjoy football becuase its like a soap opera and a medevil battle combined.
these people with these hobbies, (i dont really have a hobby) but these people with these intense hobbys like civil war reinatcments or stamp collections and what not, how to they start. are they just sitting there one day and go, im going to start doing this becuase i feel like it. a better question. how do con men becuase con men. do they just become con men, or do they need a con men teacher, and then how do they become there own con man. do they graduate or just leave, or do they need to wack off the teacher con man.
i watched the movie confidence and i enjoyed the movie and wasnt impressioned by it. i didnt want to be a con man after wards. it made me want to play mouse trap though or do some other intricate game, but not become a con man (i think its becuase i have no idea how to start)
id also like to know how to become a consciecous objector, becuase i mindlessly signed up for the selective service, wait now i remember why i did that... financial aid. ok well after i dont need that any more.... the point is theres going to be a draft if bush wins the next election and im not going to iran or syria iraq or any place else hilter feels like sending people.
i dont feel like talking about that. i dont think i would have writting in this if i had enough energy to write in my journal. so much handenergy the other way and this takes much less thought. i think im ready to go back to the depressing movie. i should have gotten a comedy to back it up.
on a final note, i got a red army hat from china for chrstmas.
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paper time [Oct. 23rd, 2003|11:14 pm]
[mood |productiveproductive]
[music |mix of goodness]

i feel so studious right now (well after mispelling that i maybe not) but ive got books all over my desk. ie slaughter house five and a brief history of time. and im trying to crank out a 7 page mid term pounding back mugs and mugs of tea.
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why [Oct. 22nd, 2003|11:47 am]
[mood |shockedshocked]
[music |elliot smith]


i dont know what to say...
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blind and relaxed [Oct. 21st, 2003|08:04 pm]
[mood |relievedrelieved]
[music |nick drake]

i couldnt sleep last night so i went out side around 4 oclock. i never knew how much i relied on my glasses. everything looked like a person, signs, trash cans, small trees. and then the one person walking toward me didnt look like a person. it was all mildly scary but did make me tired enough to fall asleep.
side note, college is 10x better with out shit hanging over you head.
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the red sox won [Oct. 5th, 2003|10:49 pm]
[mood |boredbored]
[music |silence]

come riot, its silly


the flipped cars in the galleries and the riot police in the videos are nice, i couldnt find my self though.
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a nice complete weekend [Sep. 29th, 2003|12:52 am]
[mood |cheerfulcheerful]
[music |the sound of lord of the rings for two rooms over]

had fun on friday.

went home on saturday (to my dads), ate real food, saw "Lost in Translation", did 4 loads of laundry (or had some one do it for me)

came back to school, fixed up my new double single (good bye franklyn), went to see built to spill, sitting here now.....
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